My Plan or His
"I know, I am a blog slacker....Who knows if anyone out there in blog world even reads this blog any longer? I am not sure, and as of right now, don't care =) Writing is therapeutic sometimes, and I just felt the need to get this down...for me, if nothing else.....
Sometimes I feel as if God's "Plan" for my life....has never been put into action....My plan is the one I chose to live.....instead of His......I know that sounds crazy to some...I have a beautiful family, a home, job, wonderful church family....shouldn't have anything to complain about...and really, as far as those things go, I don't...but something is missing...Now, if I knew WHAT that something is, I wouldn't be posting this....I have felt this way for some time now....and until lately, completely ignored the thoughts....You know how it is when you think that God is speaking to you, but what he is saying seems somewhat "crazy"? or a little "out there"? I mean why would God want me to do anything other than raise my family, go to work, go to church....and just "be"....I have this gut feeling, He wants more...
I read blogs...I may not post on mine as much as I read others, but there are some amazing blog writers out there....and yesterday, one inparticular touched on this subject. Facing fears, listening to God, not only listening-but doing....That could be scary. really. Stepping outside the "comfort zone" of our lives, trusting God, and giving ourselves to Him....I have dealt with this for years...thinking it was my job, that I needed to "step outside of", maybe a friendship that wasn't working-that I needed to "step away from"-so many times, I thought I was doing what He was asking-"stepping outside my comfort zone"....I stepped a different way, but never to the point of being uncomfortable....where I needed to TOTALLY depend on Him....I have never considered the thought of a bigger step....a MUCH bigger step....
While I was in NYC last summer...I was uncomfortable....That pretty much is the most uncomfortable I have ever been....James got us settled in, then he came home to work for a few weeks before coming back....so there I was, with my 9 year old daughter, in an apartment as big as my laundry room, where I knew no one...and was supposed to "live"....Believe me, in the beginning, I thought to myself, " I am just going to stay in the apartment, until James come back"....but quickly realized that wasn't possible...We were there for Macey, because we truly felt God led us on this journey...So, how could I, in fear, not follow Him....Well, at that moment, when she and I were in tears, missing James, and the boys~it hit me...This is it...I am NOW outside my comfort zone....So now what? What he wanted for all these years....We gave it ALL to him....We got on our knees and began praying...me and Macey...we prayed for James' safety back home, we prayed for the boys, we prayed for our "journey" as we took on NYC alone....We began to pray, as if God was right there with us...We would recieve calls for auditions, in parts of town that I wasn't familiar with...We prayed that we would get on the right subway, take the right paths-to make the auditions on time....We prayed for everything...We prayed that God would show us to a church, where we could learn more about him, worship him, and grow closer to him during this time of change in our lives....I can honestly say....NYC was a blessing...Macey did amazing modeling, ect....but the true reason, I was outside my comfort zone, and had NO ONE but HIM to depend on...turn to...and He was there...We are planning on heading to the Big Apple again soon....entering another step in this crazy journey of ours....but I still don't think that is it...not the Big "Plan" he has in store for us...
God is moving. I am listening...and this time hoping to....go."
Love that...That was written before Haiti, before my Photography opportunity....That made me smile. Because of how far I have come...Good Stuff =) (for anyone who is interested-the link to my old blog is http://www.allenfamilyof5.blogspot.com/)
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