Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I am just a Girl...

*warning....lots of rambling....
I have been amazed at the number of emails, cards, facebook messages, gifts that I have received over the past few weeks. James and I truly had no idea how many people really care about us. Amazing.

When we just live normal, non-eventful lives, we just go through the motions. We get up, get ready, drink our coffee, get the kids ready for whatever they have to do that day...Go do our "stuff", come home, go to whatever extracurricular events we have....settle in for the night...go to bed...then do a Repeat. Do we ever think about God during the course of one of our "non-eventful" days? I can honestly say, I didn't. I mean, yes, we went to church on Sunday, and we prayed before we ate~but to SERIOUSLY think about God during the course of the day...Not so much.

But let an "event" happen. A life-altering event. Thursday morning...8 weeks brother-in-law died. I got that dreadful 4am phone call....the one that wakes you up from a deep sleep. The one that makes your heart start beating in your throat, because you know that no one calls at that time of the morning. Our lives immediately changed. One minute, asleep-the next minute~Your life turns down a completely different path. And we are forced to make a decision. To turn to God.When everything was going along just the way we thought it should...We didn't seem to see the importance of Him in our lives. But let something happen, and then WHERE is He? Why did He let this happen? Prayer? Of course we are going to pray...What else can we do? This is out of our control. We now know that we NEED Him. But my storm didn't stop there. I was so broken for my sister. She and I are  closer now than we EVER have been. We have deep discussions about Jesus, and His love for us. What our purpose is in this life we have been given? I have always loved her. Why did it take something traumatic for me to realize how much? I wish I knew the answers.

Then James and I were running...trying to "get in shape" wanting to be healthy, so I can be here for my children. Wanting to teach them that exercise is important....ect. and then I had the dreaded "worst headache of my life". Numbness. Tingling in my arms. Neck Pain. ER. Aneurysm. ICU. MRI. CT. IV's. Blood work. An onslaught of words that I have used all my life in my job~never expected to hear people using those words around me. While I lay in a hospital bed. One minute~running~next goes down completely different path. Again. Why? If I had the answer to that question...I would be one happy girl.

I pretty much had a break down yesterday. I have received a number of emails of people telling me what an inspiration I have been to them, amazed at how strong I am...ect. Let me tell you, if any of you had seen me yesterday~you wouldn't have been inspired. I promise. Crying. Depressed. I don't understand why all of these things have had to happen to our family. I know I can say that God is in control (and I know he is) But that doesn't make all the sadness go away. There is so much more than people outside our home know about. Things that can overwhelm you in a way that is unexplainable. I definitely don't want people to think I "have this thing together" Because BELIEVE ME...I don't. I am trying. Praying. But I don't have the answers...and I wish I did. I need a job. FULL time. But the doctor has me off work until after Labor day. Finances. Huge burden to us right now. Depression~another thing that I personally have to deal with. Have for years. But throw in losing your brother in law to an aneurysm, the transmission on the van going out on the way to the funeral(no, I am not kidding), coming home and having a possible aneurysm yourself. Spending 8 days in ICU. Medical bills. the list goes on...but I won't bore you with it. Needless to say, the depression has somewhat kicked the crazy medicine that they have me on every 4 hours around the clock....guess what? side effect? depression...Great. right? lol....On top of lack of sleep...too...I can talk about what a pitiful mess we are in...can wonder why it all had to happen to us...That won't help anything...and I know that.

James and I were having a talk yesterday afternoon...I was opening the mail while we were talking...and I opened a card someone had sent me. The card was from a friend that I haven't talked to in some time....and the card was like a message from God. He said, "I'm in control of all of this. I promise. Be Still. Trust Me." And there was some money in the card. The exact amount that we needed to pay a bill that was due. Crazy to some, but it was all it took for me to realize that God's got this. I know it. When I get down and out. And want to climb in my bed, and go to sleep, because it is easier than dealing with everything that we are facing. God is here. Sitting beside me. Holding my hand. Telling me that "Everything is going to be all right". I know that. I just need Him to remind me every once in a while....hmmmm...maybe every day would be better....=)

I don't want to just "go through the motions" I want to do what God wants me to do with my life. Now. Don't wait on a storm to come into your life. Do it now. He has a plan for us, and all I want to do is be in His will. I don't have it all together. I am just a girl~in the middle of a storm~holding onto my Savior to get through<3

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